They met as teenagers and my sister and my childhood was their attempt to live their lives as adults. A feat they never quite succeeded at.
It was as if getting married and having children somehow christened them grown ups in their eyes.
Their complete lack of maturity was ignored.
No different then the behavior we see from so called adults with children nowadays.
My parents never made the news for any if their antics.
When they argued and screamed it didn't attract undo attention from the neighbors.
It just made me fearful.
When they went for weeks without speaking to one another , creating an atmosphere of tension and an invisible threat to an innocent child who didn't understand what they were so mad about, it didn't make the 6 o'clock news.
It just added to this growing sense of dread that lived inside of me.
Still lives inside of me to a different degree.
A dread that threatens to rule me everyday if I let it.
My parents of course had no clue the effect that their inability to communicate in reasonable mature ways had in their youngest daughter. They simply continued to interact like the teenagers they were when they first got married.
No magic took place with the signing of the marriage license. No good fairy came and sprinkled "Grown-up dust" on their heads , enabling them to behave as trusted responsible adults endowed with the knowledge required to raise off spring in a healthy environment. Nope. They just did what so many others have done. They muddled through.
Unfortunately when you muddle through you get, well, muddy!
So does anyone else you drag through that proverbial mud hole with you! That's what my childhood was like.
Like being dragged through a mud hole!
We envision raising our children. The term bringing to mind an elevation of life. Somehow carrying our children through the difficulties of this world and setting them upon the threshold of adulthood ready to carry the next generation to the next level.
That isn't what usually happens.
Let's face it. Few of us are fully equipped adults when we embark on the adventure of child rearing. Most of us, if we are honest, grow up a little when we are faced with the younger version of ourselves.
When we see our child faced with a challenge, if we are lucky ,we discover within ourselves whatever it is that helps us achieve our goals and in turn we attempt to pass that knowledge onto our child.
If we lack a particular skill, or we have never learned how to cope with a certain obstical, as a parent we will not be able to guide our child down the right path until we ourselves aquire that particular skill or knowledge.
My parents, well meaning though they were, lacked the essential skills needed to live mature lives.
Unable most of the time to choose the wisest choices for themselves let alone their children.
They lacked the essential skills of adulthood and the ability to acquire any it seemed.
Remaining instead part teenage lovers, with all the angst and drama associated with that, and commited married couple with young children who depended on them to raise them up to that next level of life that they themselves had never been able to reach.
It was always just a little more than they could handle.
Now that my parents are old, it seems that in some ways our roles have been reversed. Now my parents need me They need my time and attention.
They need my help.
Help with chores or with making choices or decisions.
They were emotionally and sometimes physically unavailable to give those things to me when I needed it from them. Yet I am a fairly healthy adult and I am able to help guide them when they need it.
It's an odd feeling to give to these two people that which they should have given to me.
Somehow I have learned , through no help from them, how to give and help. How to care for others without the expectation of receiving care in return.
I say somehow, but I know how, really.
God has blessed me throughout my life with giving, loving people. He has shown me what it means to love your child. To be there when you are needed.
By His loving me, His dependability, ive learned to Love and be depended upon
That's not to say that it's easy.
It's far from easy. Sometimes, I'll admit, I don't feel very loving or caring.
Sometimes I get irritated with them.
I get frustrated when I tell them the right choice to make ( they ask!) and they do the opposite.
When I try and show love and it's rejected. It hurts.
When they speak disrespectfully to me I get angry.
It's like I'm raising a second set of children! The ones I gave birth to and the ones that gave birth to me!
It's funny how God is healing me.
He is giving me the chance to be the "parent" of the parents that I had. The mistakes they made, I can, in a way, undo. I can't change the memories I have as a child. However I can now choose to give these two people what I never felt I had. What they themselves may have never had. True unconditional love. The kind you can depend on.
